love is health
Lordy. It's Saturday? Really? So many things have happened this week, both athletically and health related (as though they are inseparable... hah!) Let me get us all up to speed. Shall we? TEAM USA UPDATE Yesterday, I received this email: Hello Maria! I just about leapt from my seat and jumped for joy. Very quickly, the athletic director of my league and I started figuring out dates and times and logistics to make this work. So, August 7th & 8th during regular AZRD practice hours, I will be trying out for Team USA Roller Derby via video submission. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! If you are in town - I would love your company & cheers those evenings. I love my community and would appreciate your show of support.
TREATMENT UPDATE Tuesday through Thursday this week I spent the days at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in back to back appointments with every doctor know to man kind. Not exaggerating, I have an Intake Physician, Registered Dietician, Naturopath, Radiation Oncologist, Surgical Oncologist, Medical Oncologist, Reconstructive Surgeon, Medical Social Worker, assigned Pastor (for a secular humanist!), and about 5 nurses on my treatment team. If I could get them all on skates, I would have another derby team ;). They all know I play roller derby, and that treatment will revolve around it. You can only imagine how many times "the girls" got felt up over a period of 3 days! That's a lotta docs! All in all, I am happy to be treated there, as the facility is swanky as heck, and they spoil their clients. I am grateful that I have a job that pays for my insurance, and that this facility is considered within network. I really lucked out. My only complaint was my terrible blood draw experience, that I promise to write about another time, because it was pretty awful. GENES AND PLANS So I finally got news that I am BRCA 1/2 negative, but only after having to race across town on a death wish mission to get the results in time while listening to the Pulp Fiction Soundtrack. That means that I don't have those specific breast cancer genes (though there are about 17 that can contribute to increased risk), which for now, in terms of my treatment, means that I can keep my healthy breast. RIGHTY CAN LIVE! I will need more gene testing in the future to see if I have one of the 16 remaining genes, however these test results take months, and we need to act now. That said, I will be scheduling my mastectomy for some time soon after August 8th. I will be laid up for 1-2 weeks, then able to return to work. 6-8 weeks after my surgery, I will need a second surgery to place my permanent implant. Then it will be rehab, rehab rehab - get back in shape to get back to the track. I have considered using my living room floor as a slide board while I am healing so that my legs don't atrophy. Assuming my unlovely lady lump is not invasive, I will avoid chemo/ radiation. We won't know that until after surgery, but here's to hoping. FEELINGS & THINGS All joking aside, it was a surprisingly draining 3 days. Walking into the Center, I felt like a dog going to the vet. You know... like when your dog hasn't moved for 3 days, so you bring them in, but the moment they are inside the vet clinic they suddenly spring to life like they haven't been peeing their own bed and unable to move? Yeah. I felt kinda like that - like I had to prove that I don't belong there, that I am healthy. I am still very much in denial that any of this is happening, and won't mentally accept it. I just refuse. And I am fine with that. Like I mentioned before, accepting it means accepting defeat. AW HELL NAH. So every day I showed up in athletic wear, as though I was going to practice. I only wore roller derby related shirts, and even brought a gym bag one day in case I had time between appointments to work out (sadly I didn't). I always wore my Brighton skate charm, just to drive the point home how important my sport is to me. Objectively speaking, it's kinda funny to me that my version of machismo/ bravado is to shout "IM NOT SICK I PLAY ROLLER DERBY SEE HOW HEALTHY AND AWESOME I AM? I DO ALL THE THINGS!" 3 days full of frontin' is taxing. By the end of it all, I just wanted to shut my brain off and go play roller derby to relax a little. I am lucky now I can still do that.
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I had an idea today that made a million light bulbs go off to BLOW MY MIND. August 12th I am registered to try out for Team USA in Seattle. Even in light of everything, I didn't cancel my registration. However, given the ambiguity of my treatment, and the new financial "surprises" we will face, in addition to my lack of paid time off (previously spent on derby travel!), I recognize it's not very practical for me to go to tryouts. But what if tryouts came to me? In the previous Team USA tryout they allowed for video submissions of skaters who couldn't make it to the physical tryouts. This year I know they were not accepting submissions, but I am hoping they will make an exception. The way I see it, they have nothing to lose by considering me via video. They keep my money, and still can say "no" to adding me to the team. No harm, no foul, only brownie points gained for helping a sister out. OR they see how dedicated/ determined/ perseverant (and hopefully skilled) I am and gain a feisty teammate. WINS ALL OVER! So, I crafted and emailed the following letter in hopes they will make an exception:
Frankly - I am not as concerned about the outcome of the tryout as I am about the chance to experience it. Assuming their approval, I know my amazing teammates will help me follow through this commitment by skating with me - supporting me, encouraging me, holding me up, and being the pad-scented wind beneath my wings. I just need Team USA Staff to say "Yes". Here is to hoping that they let me tryout via video.
*Photo credit: Levar Hurtin I'm not a "Cancer Patient"7/20/2013 I don't see myself as a "Breast Cancer Patient". There was a reason why, upon meeting me, my surgeon said "you're too young to be here". BC patients are usually over 50, often advanced in their staging, and not always fit. There has been a real disconnect between my diagnosis and my self perception. My health has been great to me - I feel great. I still work out regularly, aim to attend 3 practices/ week, and otherwise am living/ feeling the exact same life I did prior to diagnosis. So having to see things that remind me I am "sick" is just... annoying? Contrarian? I can't quite put the words to it, but it is most certainly a mis-fit. So when I get pamphlets with illustrations in them of women supposedly sharing my experience, I get frustrated to see women over 50. I also get uncomfortable seeing women going through treatment. Twice in the past week have I seen women in head wraps, protecting their scalps from the unforgiving AZ sun. It was hard to look at them. I wanted to avoid them - I am afraid I will soon be them. Part of me wants to say "I'll be damned if I have to be a "breast cancer patient". The other part of me recognizes that I, as well as others, don't have a choice. That is a tough pill to swallow, especially as I finally approach a treatment plan. I refuse to accept this diagnosis. Accepting it means surrendering to it, and that -ish don't fly with me. This is part of why I have requested silly boob things: Jokes, drawing, songs, images - things that make me laugh at the idea of being a BC patient. This isn't to say I don't take this seriously. This is to say that I'm not the one who is in danger - its the cancer cells that are. Watch out b!#ches, I'm coming at you like a spider monkey. Community Support, and food7/17/2013 Our Community is Effing Amazing.
You will never find a community of people more awesome than those of roller derby. Or I will eat my helmet. This past weekend my team played against the ladies of High Altitude Roller Derby (HARD) in Flagstaff. While I was unable to play that game (due to prior commitments made), my team informed me it was a sentimental, wonderful bout. Our team color is a lovely pink/ magenta. My co-captain said that the team felt like they were wearing pink for me, given my absence. I thought this a sweet sentiment, and certainly informs me that I am loved and appreciated. The ladies of HARD sent back with them a signed card and gift card for me to help ease some of the inevitable financial burdens coming our way. And this is why the derby community is so awesome. Some of these people hardly know me. There are some, I am sure, I have never met. Nonetheless, when someone in our community is suffering, we inevitably, almost compulsively rally together to ensure their swift return. Its like having an army of 10,000 of the fittest, hottest, most athletic, sassy cheerleaders the world could gather. (While I realistically know that the whole derby community isn't aware that I exist, I still like this imagery). I am not even kidding when I say that, sometimes, I visualize microscopic derby players literally hip checking my cancer cells. (If someone could create a meme of this, I would be forever grateful!) It's like I have recruited the most awesome people on the planet to, at least mentally, help me do this to bad cells: (fast forward to 36 seconds in). Or maybe this (except that Melons is WAY COOLER THAN A CANCER CELL.) More On Food Stuffs On an unrelated note: I have been thinking a lot about diet and cancer. Tonight we watched Forks Over Knives, which details the impact our poor nutrition has had on our health. While I know there is a chance that I am genetically predisposed to cancer, after watching that movie, I couldn't help but feel like I did this to myself. I eat ungodly amounts of animal proteins. Meat and cheese are staples in our household (though we have significantly reduced the amount of cheese/ dairy we consume). This film implied that animal products are huge contributors to health epidemics, cancer included. If you have ever seen me consume animal protein, especially at a BBQ, you know I put away some meat (heheh... wink. ) I can (and I have) eaten a burger, a hot dog, a chicken breast, and a steak within an hour. While I have given up such ridiculous habits, I hope it illustrates just how much meat I can, and have eaten. And suddenly, I am faced with the truth that this ridiculous party trick has only served to tackle my boobies. Depressing as this movie was to watch (because no one wants to see they have caused their own cancer), it did teach me about Ruth Heidrich. While her website is absolutely terrible and makes my eyes bleed, it was so inspirational to see someone like me - an athlete, a fighter, and a strong-headed woman, overcome cancer by saying no to chemo and saying yes to dietary modifications. Her story, and the story of my friend, give me confidence that perhaps I can avoid having to cut and poison my body before healing it. The jury is still out for me on diet-only treatment, but this is all certainly encouraging to see. Alternative Therapies7/15/2013 I received a phone call yesterday from a friend of mine. She shared her experience with me, which gave me a great deal of hope, and empowered me to keep looking for the right solutions for me. (Long story short, she defied her doctors, did not elect chemo and radiation despite being at stage 4 and metastatic, and through a combination of diet, visualization, and medical oversight, is cancer free.) She turned me on to some helpful reading materials, dietary guidelines, and other non cut/ chemical means of fighting this. Don't get me wrong - I am not nearly as much of a badass as she is to give the medical community the bird and venture out solo. That was brave. That was ballsy. That would scare the shit out of me. While all of this information was abundantly helpful, perhaps the most helpful lesson from the conversation was the assertion that I have choices if I have conviction. So long as I believe in the approach I choose to manage my health, I will be safe. That brings us back to roller derby. I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart believe that roller derby will help me be better. I have nothing but to gain from continuing my life as is, eating healthily, working out, having future games to look forward to, and staying on (the) track. (Don't worry mom. I'm still going to the doctor.) That said, I booked an appointment today with the CTCA in hopes that I will get "me-specific" attention that will help me return to the track faster than medical-only approaches. I made it very clear to them that my highest priority is continuing to play roller derby. That all said, here is a list of reading materials and dietary information that my friend shared with me, and information I have researched too. Reading Nuts and seeds dark fruits: berries, grapes, plums Greens: kale, spinach, collards, chards, wheat grass Beets Carrot juice Yams/ Sweet potatoes cabbage family: broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, brussel sprouts. Darkest squash and pumpkins Green tea Tumeric Flax seeds Coconut oil Limit or eliminate wheat, so heavy rye breads, black breads No no list: soy & soy products (since my bad cells feed off estrogen, which soy mimics) potatoes (they cause inflammation) wheat (inflammation) hormone riddled foods genetically modified foods (my genes have likely been modified enough, thanks) foods with pesticides on them (duh) Why I keep skating: Skate for the cure.7/14/2013 There was a brief moment when I thought that I should stop playing roller derby so that I could focus on other things in life. That was short lived. Roller derby is so much a part of my life, my identity, that the idea of staying away from it became quickly absurd. My diet, sleep patterns, fluid intake, work schedule, social calendar - basically every part of my life, revolves around my participation in roller derby. For the 2 weeks that I stepped away from it (somehow thinking that I "should" or "have to") I was kind of miserable. My diet was off track, I wasn't drinking enough water (which is a big deal in AZ in July), I was grumpy from not exercising regularly, and I kinda had a small meltdown. It was like I crashed my life few a few days, only to have to reboot it. It was clear that I actually *need* roller derby to function normally. Not even kidding. All the things I regularly do to support my athletic endeavors are the same things that need to be done to fight cancer. Eliminating sugar, eating healthy super foods, working out, relieving stress, drinking tons of water, vizualization, goal setting, journaling - all help the cells of my body to do their job. That said, its doesn't make sense for me to stop skating. Is roller derby a cure for cancer? Maybe not directly, but for me, its definitely key to giving my body everything it needs to fight like hell. This is why I keep skating. Roller derby gives me the dangling carrot I need to maintain a regimented, focused, disciplined, athletic lifestyle, which in turn make me healthier. Breast Cancer? Pshhhhh.... Ain't nobody got time for that. * Photo Credit: Masonite Burn AboutSnapshots in time across a span of years managing breast cancer Archives
June 2020
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