love is health
The way it feels: cycle 15/12/2020 Everyone deals with chemo differently. This is how it has affected me so far.
While receiving chemo, my muscles almost immediately took note. They would twitch and glitch in resistance, like they knew they were being poisoned. It was a bizarre feeling I hadn't anticipated. Between adriamycin injections (I had 2), I needed to take a break to address the fact my chest was tightening, so we (my nurse and I) allowed that feeling to subside before proceeding. To make up for lost time we cranked up the speed of (chemo drug #2) cytoxan from a 1 hour drip to 30 minutes, only to be thwarted by sinus pain telling me I can't handle that speed. (Imagine feeling like you just dove into a chlorine pool without plugging your nose. That's what it felt like. Strange, no?) What was supposed to be a 3 hour therapy session took closer to 5 hours to account for the breaks I needed to put my resistant body at ease. My nurses were awesome, accommodating, and gentle. I appreciate that they were cautious with me, despite my desire to just keep going. During the days following, each of my main organs did a roll call. This is a challenging feeling to describe. They weren't in pain per se, but they weren't unnoticeable. It's like they each took turns speaking up, intervention style, to say they are concerned for me. First it was my heart through fleeting chest discomfort, then my intestines and ovaries. Eventually my kidneys, bladder, and liver all said "hey - is everything okay?" While it wasn't painful, I felt compassion for them, as I knew they were all saying "Hey! what's going on up there? Why did you poison me?" That's a challenging thing to explain to one's own body. I've been taking much needed naps. These drugs are toxic, (specifically to the heart), so energy wanes. My peak energy seems to be within the first 3 hours of waking, them dwindles over time. Although nausea has been mild, my digestive system is a hot mess. Imagine feeling like you just ate 2 XL pizzas (ouch!), but that you're hungry; however you don't want to eat because the idea of eating sounds like more pressure/ pain on your digestive system. It's like that. I'm proud when I can finish a small meal, and grateful when it doesn't make me feel like I am going to burst. I am so grateful to not be vomiting (hooray for the little wins!), though sometimes I wonder if doing so would make me feel better/ less full. Cognition is slower. I only have patience or bandwidth to process one task at a time. It's forcing me to slow down, be present, and not sweat the details, which you can imagine is very counterintuitive to who I am. But, all in due time. There's no rush, no sense of obligation, and utter patience/ compassion for where I'm at. All in all, it's not so bad. I'm not in pain, I'm not vomiting, and I have energy enough to play with my babies on occasion and get some work done, so I call that a win!
2 Comments
Monica Harvia
5/12/2020 09:43:31 am
Atta Girl, one day at a time. I know nothing we can say will easy what you are going through; but, know that we are all thinking about you everyday. Hugs Cousin... “Go Wonder Women”
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Leslie Ruyle
5/18/2020 03:03:54 pm
Your attitude, your strength, your humor, your beauty.... all super powers that belong to you. Thanks for your sharing your story and your super powers. <3
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