love is health
Aw snap. Here comes the serious stuff. Surgery is finally scheduled. After waiting nearly 2 months from diagnosis to scheduling, it's finally going to happen. Come August 14th, my body will be different. I still can't wrap my mind around it all. Breasts are a physical manifestation of femininity and femaleness. The idea of having one taken away and replaced by something foreign is all too uncomfortable to me. Knowing that I will be unbalanced, possibly for the rest of my life, is at times too much to think about, and I just shut down. I just want to skate. So I have been keeping nice and busy. Things are busy at work. Busy at home. Busy at practice. Busy busy busy busy. Intellectually I can comprehend that my tight schedule is just a mechanism of distraction and denial. Emotionally speaking, I can't accept or acknowledge that I need to feel anything other than busy. Oh denial, you feel so safe. Is it practice yet? Yet my body is rebelling. It is trying to tell me everything I have effectively muted. I can't sleep well. I have anxiety dreams. My muscles twitch sporadically - eyelids, biceps, quads. They all quake with a fear that I don't care to admit. For whatever reasons (that I frankly don't want to understand), I have very sufficiently stopped myself from feeling as much grief as is appropriate for this situation. I really just want to skate. For me, there is heroism in asceticism/ stoicism. Only the objective, physical truth that I will be okay no matter what is the only truth I will allow myself to acknowledge. Everything beyond that singular thought is frivolous. Any concern about vanity, sensuality, posture, control, and composure is nonsensical. "But you are human" is what I keep hearing. Yes, but I am a human who aims for excellence and strives to transcend the impracticalities that are often associated with emotions. That doesn't mean I don't feel things. I feel plenty, but I do believe some emotions are superfluous. Sometimes you need a good cry, and then you move on. But to cry, and cry again, and yet again, seems... exhausting (says the girl who can't sleep well at night anymore from all the stress of trying to be "fine"). I hesitated to write about this, for fear of being "that girl", the one who bitches and moans about her feelings in a situation in which you know she's going to be fine. I am not a victim, nor intend to be perceived as one. Yet this song and dance is taxing. It's 8:15 on a Friday night, and I could nearly fall asleep at my keyboard, I am so tired. I am so ready to be done with this obstacle. Consider this post an exercise in therapeutic vulnerability. And at the same time, I can't help but want to strap my skates on and go on like I am not going to lose my left breast in 2 weeks. If not vulnerable, at least I am consistent.
2 Comments
Evol
8/2/2013 02:14:07 pm
I love you...that is all! XO
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Gracie grinder
8/2/2013 03:57:03 pm
I know this has to be very scary for you. But you are an amazing and string person. You will get through this and will be just as amazing after. Keep your head held high and fight the good fight. We all love you and let us know if you need anything.
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