love is health
Living fast while going slow.10/20/2013 Life is too short. The ephemeral nature of living has never been so obvious. One minute, you are a healthy, active 30 year old athlete. The next minute, you are a cancer patient. This persistent thought is working its way into everything I do. In a time when I should be slowing down and doing less, I find myself needing to do more, and feeling kind of crazy for it.
I clearly love roller derby, to the point that I would risk putting myself in a mentally and physically precarious situation just to stay involved. I feel so healthy it's deceptive. I don't feel delicate or sick, but the swift departure of my energy after a full day is a reminder that my body - every organ, lymph node, blood cell, and system - is working overtime to keep me feeling like this. I am surprised at how much recovery I need from just a night of reffing, or dilly dallying on my skates. Meanwhile, the simple act of being in the practice facility gives me great guilt and worry - concerned about the risk of infection in my immuno-compromised state, worried that I am pushing my body too hard after a full day of work, then a full practice. I am fighting the desire to do every exercise off skates with my friends, minding my heart rate, controlling my breathing, cautious not to increase my cardio. My body says "normal", but my mind knows better. That leads me to this nagging need to justify every absence for every practice, game, and event I cannot attend. For a healthy person it borders on too much to ask for, let alone someone in my situation. Sometimes, I just need someone else to say "you have permission to not be here. Go take care of yourself." All the while, I am struggling to be a good partner to my most amazing spouse. He's had to take on so much throughout this process that I feel indebted to him. I want to give back something in return, and I struggle to give him something, anything. I try and show my appreciate and love in chores and tasks - a means of lightening his load so he doesn't feel like he has to manage our life alone. You can imagine the guilt that comes with choosing to be with my team in San Diego for a weekend, while a myriad of home projects await my participation. This is a struggle for "healthy" Maria. It has intensified during treatment. Meanwhile, I am compelled to be better participant in my family, and have offered my home to my 16 year old niece who is going through a hard time right now. Crazy timing? Perhaps, but Luke and I know it's the right thing to do. And that business that I always wanted to start? Apparently right now is the time to start planning it. Because I clearly am not managing enough - I need to (re)start a business at the same time. Looking at all this made me wonder why I hate having free time. However, this isn't about avoiding luxury. This is about realizing the precious and absurd nature of being alive, and squeezing every bit of juice out of it.
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