love is health
I always struggled with follow through. In the 5th grade, I rallied my classmates to create a comic book with me, teaching everyone the proper way to use colored pencils and fill white space. After 2 weeks I abandoned my leadership post, bored with the idea, and frustrated by my classmates' inability to read my mind and do what I "knew was right". The number of tasks I have started and fled from is countless. Wether I lacked focus, discipline, or grit, my struggle for completion is a life theme. I'm not a closer - I'm a creator.
So when I returned to the track last night for my first bout in 6 months - after my mastectomy, breast reconstruction, chemotherapy, a new job, sudden parenthood, and while in the midst of menopause at 30 - I conquered a lifetime of incompletion. I am reminded of this study, citing many women experience personal growth after a cancer diagnosis. However, I didn't return to the track alone. The decision to remain on our travel team and be captain through treatment was difficult. Several times I would call my co-captain Jill in a frenzy, frantic with the belief I couldn't do it - I couldn't come back to my sport, my team, my source of joy, because life had other plans for me. At one point shortly after diagnosis, I had stepped down (for 2 weeks), assuming treatment would overrun my life (which it did), and I wouldn't feel up for skating (which was true at times.) But for some reason I can't quite explain, perhaps madness, maybe stubbornness, I remained committed to my team. Even after my 2 week hiatus, they selected me as their captain for a second term, knowing I'd be going through cancer treatment in the fall. I was, and still am, completely taken aback and humbled by their faith in me. Their belief carried me through treatment, through rehabilitation, and back to the track last night. The unwavering support I have received from my teammates and derby community took me back to the gym, on skates, and leading the team again. I often questioned whether I could continue skating and serving as captain. Last night's victory in Tucson put that to rest. I'm immensely proud of my teammates. Win or lose - their character and integrity remain consistent, supportive, and familial. I say with confidence, without them - without being part of this team, with these teammates, at this time, I would have retired in June and allowed breast cancer to end my skating career. Yet here I am, at the beginning of another travel season, humbly at the helm of this intimate band of inmates. This is all to say: Thank you, Terrors. Without you, I wouldn't have returned to bouting last night. Your faith in me was like an assist through a rough pack.
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June 2020
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