love is health
Emerging on the other side8/17/2013 <---- I kinda look like that, but with Grenade Drains. Last night I tore off the gauze flap that they place for the purpose of shielding your eyes from the surgery site. I thought I would be more fearful of how I look. However, my curiosity got the best of me, and I looked at the surgery site almost as soon as I could. While days passed before I took the gauze flap off, I figure my acceptance of my chest should begin immediately. I don't know about ya'll, but if I had a friend who just went through this, I would want to ask a billion questions, but would restrain myself for fear of being too invasive. That said, here's a little Q & A for you, in case you are as curious as I am. Also, don't hesitate to ask. Seriously. If you are curious about anything, remember this site is as much about education as it is about entertainment & venting. So ask! Q: How are you feeling? A: Physically, great. I don't believe I will need to take pain killers today, I am eating regularly, and have enough energy to go on walks outside. I am currently day dreaming of getting on a stationary bicycle :). Emotionally, I feel pretty solid. I have been overwhelmed by the show of love and support of people in my life, and have shed only tears of gratitude on several occasions, seeing how well supported I am. I am a little surprised I am not grieving as much as I thought I would. I expected to lament the loss of my breast & nipple, but I emerged feeling whole & healthy. Spiritually, (for lack of a better term), I am filled with gratitude: grateful for my health, grateful for my care, grateful for so much. I can't express enough gratitude. I am a really luck lady. Q. What's it feel like to have a breast gone? A: It's a little bizarre, no doubt. I keep feeling this weird vibrating sensation where my breast was, as though the surgeon dropped a cell phone in there :-P. It also feels like there is something under my skin (the tissue expander). It's hard to get a full, deep cough or laugh because it hurts my chest. (Can you imagine living with Luke and not laughing? Neither can I.) There isn't much pain so much as there is this uncomfortable tugging feeling where the drains are connected to my body. Q: What do the grenade/ JP drains (aka chesticles) feel like? A: Well, I feel like I am in a sci-fi movie and I am the cyborg. It is as hard to imagine as it is to explain. The chesticles are pretty gross, as I can witness fluid leaving my body. They tug at me a little, and are really awkward to deal with. The mastectomy bra given to me, in combination with the drains, makes me (comically) feel like a suicide bomber. This all sounds far worse than it actually is. All in all, its tolerable, and I'm not allowing it to interrupt my mojo. Q: What do you want/ need right now? A: I am happy to report that you have all done such a great job caring for me, and I am lacking nothing. High fives, visitations, and good jokes are all I need :). I hope to see you soon. Call before you come over to be sure it's a good time. Q: Any thoughts on femininity or feeling lady-like right now? A: Let's be real - I wasn't very lady-like to start. Thanks to my derby wife, my mantra through all this has been "whole and healthy", meaning I did not emerge from surgery any "less" of a person or woman, and I emerged healthy, with the tumor no longer in my body. It would be so easy to feel less feminine, especially after not being able to shower for several days, being 1/2 flat chested, and not being able to shave my armpits. But those things don't make me a woman. What makes me a woman is the grace in which I operate and navigate through this transition. So I keep focused on that. The cherry on top is knowing that Luke still finds me sexy, even if I look like a suicide bomber cyborg. :-D Q: Anything else? A: Just more gratitude. I won't be able to thank every individual who has shown me love and support. There are too many people to thank. Your gifts, encouragement, well wishes, thoughts, prayers - everything - has been appreciated and well utilized. I wouldn't be doing this well if it weren't for the support I received from my community. I am a very fortunate woman. I hope I can give it all back some way, some day. Please feel free to post any questions you have about surgery, be it mine or breast surgery in general.
2 Comments
Mama Melons
8/19/2013 01:19:59 pm
You are a true heroine and gift to us all! Thank you for reminding us what is truly important in life and for the path you have blazed for others in outlook and fortitude. I am in awe of how much you have shared and contributed in informing and educating others in such. A loving and positive way. Sending my very best wishes to you and yours.
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Toastie
8/22/2013 08:58:50 am
MM...I think you have it backwards. The community is just now having the opportunity to the favor of belief and confidence to YOU. <3
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