love is health
Ch ch ch ch CHANGES10/14/2013 I shaved my head 2 weekends ago, but beforehand celebrated my hair with a lovely hair dragon I named Samara. It was a lovely reminder of the temporary nature of everything. We constantly construct and deconstruct, and resurrect, and dilapidate. Such a remind forces me to have to stay present, unpermitted to look back at what was, and prevented from looking forward to what will be. Shaving my head was a lovely exercise in unattachment. It was a way of saying "whether or not I have this hair 3 weeks from now does not matter. I do not need it. It does not need me." That said, I was rather annoyed by any commentary that I "should have waited until it started falling out." That misses the point. For the women in my family who have gone through cancer, its a ritual of sorts. Shave your head before you lose your hair. This isn't about vanity - this is about understanding that everything is temporary. That is never more obvious than right now. Looking at my body - how much it has changed, feeling my tight, hot, dry skin, curling my swollen tongue - all serve to remind me of this. I'm surprisingly calm about it. I have been desperately needing a wake up call to be more present and focused on the moment. I tend to live in constant distraction and fantasy - always planning something, chasing a new idea. Now I am forced to be present in my body as it reminds me that it is managing a lot. Frankly, the side effects of chemo have been, so far, very manageable. I expected feeling worse, having read horror stories of throwing up constantly, overwhelming nausea, and incapacitating bodyaches. I have been lucky that I have only missed 1 day of work, and it was due to excessive fatigue. I think the worst that I felt was 4 days after chemo, in the evening, when I felt like I had the flu. And while I do have other bizarre side effects (I am pretty sure I am turning into a lizard), they have all been tolerable. As I am only at the beginning of this process, I am sure other ephemeral symptoms will come and go. However, until then, in the present, I am extremely grateful that I feel about 95% myself, only a little more "here", now. ... pay no mind to the fact that I get cleared for full contact and return to activity in 17 more days. Not that I am counting, or anything...
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