love is health
"A Setback is a setup for a comeback".9/18/2013 Today, I read that on the cafe walls of the Cancer Center where I get treatment. It also happened to be on the wall next to the quotation "Chemo sucks. But if it sucks the cancer from you, then yay chemo!" I read it unempathetically, unable to relate to the nastiness associated with chemo. However, experience or not, you'd have a hard time getting me to say "yay chemo".
Sorry. I'm not buying it. Today was supposed to be a regular appointment with my reconstructive surgeon to discuss my "replacement" options for my surgery tomorrow. So you can imagine my surprise when I got a visit from my oncologist (who I was scheduled to see tomorrow for routine follow up). He wanted to see me asap. I didn't understand the urgency then, but it makes sense now. Long story short, I will have to go through the one thing I have been happy to avoid until now. Something inside me, on a molecular level, wants to create cancer cells. It is insistant. It is aggressive, and the likelihood of it creating another cancer in me is too high for the standard of care to allow me to continue without chemotherapy. I have to go through EFFING CHEMO. There, I said it. I feel so mixed. Part of me feels duped or betrayed by the feeling of security that came with rapid healing and great forward progress. It says something when even the doctors were surprised to see how aggressive my tumor cells were reported to be. It caught us all off guard, and left me scrambling emotionally to wrap my mind around it. He announced this to me with such urgency that they wanted to postpone my surgery tomorrow to begin treatment immediately. I still haven't entirely digested that. And even still, another part of me recognizes that this too is temporary. 12 of weeks of treatment will pass by quickly, and be but a distant memory. And so, I keep my eyes on my prize. Return to good health. Get back to the track. Just. Keep. Skating. I project it will be about 5 weeks before I am on skates again, still no contact. You bet your ass that I will try and skate through chemo, if my body allows it. And if not then, when I am done. It can take my breast away. It can take my hair away. But I will be damned if it takes my skates away from me forever. Not a chance in hell.
8 Comments
Patrick Hanson
9/18/2013 04:05:26 pm
Chem sucks. But nothing can keep my Wonder Woman down. A big gay hug is waiting for you at work.
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Red
9/18/2013 04:12:41 pm
I <3 you Maria. You'll dominate chemo & be back on your skates in no time. HAir grows back, I do have proof of this. And just think how much less hot it will be in your helmet. :)
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Evol
9/19/2013 01:34:47 am
Love u so much lady, such an inspiration. Xo
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Bones!
9/19/2013 03:26:43 am
I love you so hard.
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PaPa Rottsy
9/19/2013 03:37:15 am
Maria - you are in my prayers. This subject hits very close to home for me. Wishing you nothing but the best!
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Face
9/19/2013 05:07:09 am
Thank you for chronicling your journey. Hair grows back--and we all know how much you will rock the short hair as it does. Wishing you grace and a quick return to your skates. And most of all, wishing you a successful battle, and hopefully some certainty.
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Prim
9/19/2013 05:32:39 am
You brought tears to my eyes with this post. I adore you Maria, and look upon your determination with awe.
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Brick
9/19/2013 01:23:03 pm
Oh Honey, I still want to give you such a huge hug. Stay strong at heart and know that you have heaps of support. Love ya.
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