love is health
Update of what's to come4/11/2020 Surgery is tentative scheduled for Tuesday. I'm using this weekend to celebrate my body as much as I can, in anticipation that I will lose some functionality. In addition to having the new cancer removed, I will also have some more lymph nodes taken, and the rest will be radiated.
I will have more physical limitations as a long term side effect of treatment. The first time I went through this, I didn't understand the gravity of having permanent changes to my body. I kept thinking of treatment as an acute and fleeting process, rather than a life-changing endeavor. More than anything I just wanted to get through it and get back to living life, without understanding how different life would be on the other side. This time is different. I have the earned perspective of someone living with long term side effects, so I am far more cautious and fearful of what's to come. There is a 30% chance I will experience lymphedema, and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. The tissue in my chest and underarm will permanently contract due to radiation. The idea of any physical symmetry feels so far out of reach. And, I feel like I have no choice but to proceed. This weekend is one of both gratitude and grieving. I am so grateful for the functionality I currently have - the ability to hold my children with both my arms; to do pushups, handstands, and reach for things above my head; to swing my arms wildly as I dance with my tiny family. I am also grieving the loss of these things, recognizing the body and function I have today won't ever be the same after Tuesday.
1 Comment
Renee
4/15/2020 09:14:33 am
Love and healing prayers sent your way. I am just in awe of your truth. You are extremely brave to post such raw honesty about your fears and the truths about how cancer changes your life. Keep posting your journey my friend! Xoxoxo
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