love is health
I always struggled with follow through. In the 5th grade, I rallied my classmates to create a comic book with me, teaching everyone the proper way to use colored pencils and fill white space. After 2 weeks I abandoned my leadership post, bored with the idea, and frustrated by my classmates' inability to read my mind and do what I "knew was right". The number of tasks I have started and fled from is countless. Wether I lacked focus, discipline, or grit, my struggle for completion is a life theme. I'm not a closer - I'm a creator.
So when I returned to the track last night for my first bout in 6 months - after my mastectomy, breast reconstruction, chemotherapy, a new job, sudden parenthood, and while in the midst of menopause at 30 - I conquered a lifetime of incompletion. I am reminded of this study, citing many women experience personal growth after a cancer diagnosis. However, I didn't return to the track alone. The decision to remain on our travel team and be captain through treatment was difficult. Several times I would call my co-captain Jill in a frenzy, frantic with the belief I couldn't do it - I couldn't come back to my sport, my team, my source of joy, because life had other plans for me. At one point shortly after diagnosis, I had stepped down (for 2 weeks), assuming treatment would overrun my life (which it did), and I wouldn't feel up for skating (which was true at times.) But for some reason I can't quite explain, perhaps madness, maybe stubbornness, I remained committed to my team. Even after my 2 week hiatus, they selected me as their captain for a second term, knowing I'd be going through cancer treatment in the fall. I was, and still am, completely taken aback and humbled by their faith in me. Their belief carried me through treatment, through rehabilitation, and back to the track last night. The unwavering support I have received from my teammates and derby community took me back to the gym, on skates, and leading the team again. I often questioned whether I could continue skating and serving as captain. Last night's victory in Tucson put that to rest. I'm immensely proud of my teammates. Win or lose - their character and integrity remain consistent, supportive, and familial. I say with confidence, without them - without being part of this team, with these teammates, at this time, I would have retired in June and allowed breast cancer to end my skating career. Yet here I am, at the beginning of another travel season, humbly at the helm of this intimate band of inmates. This is all to say: Thank you, Terrors. Without you, I wouldn't have returned to bouting last night. Your faith in me was like an assist through a rough pack.
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Community Support, and food7/17/2013 Our Community is Effing Amazing.
You will never find a community of people more awesome than those of roller derby. Or I will eat my helmet. This past weekend my team played against the ladies of High Altitude Roller Derby (HARD) in Flagstaff. While I was unable to play that game (due to prior commitments made), my team informed me it was a sentimental, wonderful bout. Our team color is a lovely pink/ magenta. My co-captain said that the team felt like they were wearing pink for me, given my absence. I thought this a sweet sentiment, and certainly informs me that I am loved and appreciated. The ladies of HARD sent back with them a signed card and gift card for me to help ease some of the inevitable financial burdens coming our way. And this is why the derby community is so awesome. Some of these people hardly know me. There are some, I am sure, I have never met. Nonetheless, when someone in our community is suffering, we inevitably, almost compulsively rally together to ensure their swift return. Its like having an army of 10,000 of the fittest, hottest, most athletic, sassy cheerleaders the world could gather. (While I realistically know that the whole derby community isn't aware that I exist, I still like this imagery). I am not even kidding when I say that, sometimes, I visualize microscopic derby players literally hip checking my cancer cells. (If someone could create a meme of this, I would be forever grateful!) It's like I have recruited the most awesome people on the planet to, at least mentally, help me do this to bad cells: (fast forward to 36 seconds in). Or maybe this (except that Melons is WAY COOLER THAN A CANCER CELL.) More On Food Stuffs On an unrelated note: I have been thinking a lot about diet and cancer. Tonight we watched Forks Over Knives, which details the impact our poor nutrition has had on our health. While I know there is a chance that I am genetically predisposed to cancer, after watching that movie, I couldn't help but feel like I did this to myself. I eat ungodly amounts of animal proteins. Meat and cheese are staples in our household (though we have significantly reduced the amount of cheese/ dairy we consume). This film implied that animal products are huge contributors to health epidemics, cancer included. If you have ever seen me consume animal protein, especially at a BBQ, you know I put away some meat (heheh... wink. ) I can (and I have) eaten a burger, a hot dog, a chicken breast, and a steak within an hour. While I have given up such ridiculous habits, I hope it illustrates just how much meat I can, and have eaten. And suddenly, I am faced with the truth that this ridiculous party trick has only served to tackle my boobies. Depressing as this movie was to watch (because no one wants to see they have caused their own cancer), it did teach me about Ruth Heidrich. While her website is absolutely terrible and makes my eyes bleed, it was so inspirational to see someone like me - an athlete, a fighter, and a strong-headed woman, overcome cancer by saying no to chemo and saying yes to dietary modifications. Her story, and the story of my friend, give me confidence that perhaps I can avoid having to cut and poison my body before healing it. The jury is still out for me on diet-only treatment, but this is all certainly encouraging to see. AboutSnapshots in time across a span of years managing breast cancer Archives
June 2020
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